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Mar. 13th, 2015

Fic: Spring, Almost

Title: Spring, Almost
Author: saaammie
Characters: Tenth Doctor/Donna
Genre: Character study, drabble
Rating/Warnings: None
Wordcount: 630
Status: Complete 1/1
Summary: Kate Bartlett sees a man in a tan coat and a red haired woman on her Sunday walk. They make a handsome couple.
(an outsider observes the Doctor and Donna.)
Just a drabble of no real significance
Author's note: I just wanted to write something. And to work a little with 1st person POV, which is something I generally dislike.Takes place sometime during S4.

They looked like any couple out on a Sunday morning stroll, really.

I was sitting on a bench in the small park near my flat, enjoying the weak early spring sunshine when I saw them.

Well, they were a rather handsome couple, but still. There were lots of good-looking people in the world, and some of them (many of them!) pair up. Nothing strange about that, even if the sight of their smiling faces caused a twinge of jealousy to flare up inside me.

I had broken up with Jen almost a year ago, and while I felt certain that it was a good decision (most days) there was still something about seeing this couple that made me miss her fiercely.

I fingered the phone in my pocket. I didn’t really want to text Jen, or talk to her, but we always used to take long walks on Sunday mornings, holding hands and watching people and talking about everything and nothing.

I sighed. Still. That was over now and a good thing too.

And I still walked on Sundays, always rather early, before the rest of the population of my part of London was quite awake, most of them enjoying a lie-in when they had a chance. There was something calming about the chilly March air today, the sky clear enough to make me think of spring and flowers but cold enough to make me regret taking my lighter jacket.

The brown-haired man I had seen earlier wore a long tan coat, unbuttoned but he didn’t seem to be bothered by the cold.  The woman (with the most gorgeous red hair I had ever seen) however was bundled up in a thick jacket and gloves, clearly taking my view of how to dress in March weather.

They walked quite close to each other, not hand-in-hand but occasionally their fingers bumped into each other. The woman made a wide gesture at something on the side of the road, making the man throw his head back in a laugh. She swatted at him, obviously saying something along the lines of “you silly man!” but the expression on her face was fond and content.  They were too far away for me to hear what they were actually saying, but some things were universal.

The woman stopped to bend down to look at some snowdrops, probably the first of the season and a sudden burst of wind made her hair fly around her face, some of it even ending up in her mouth. She barked a laugh so loud even I could hear it, and straightened up, trying to get it all out of her face. A smile broke out on the man’s face; so wide and happy it made him look like a teenager, instead of the almost middle-aged man he was. He lifted one hand and used it to remove the hair from the woman’s face, briefly resting his fingers on her cheek in a gesture so tender it made me ache a little. Her lips quirked and she looked as if she wanted to say something or even shrug his hand off, but refrained at the last moment. Instead, her eyes lit up and met his for a second.

The spell broke, and they continued to walk, this time hand-in-hand.
I remained on the bench long after they had disappeared from my sight, turning my phone over in my hands, thinking about Jen and other Sunday mornings.

After I finally got up to leave, I bent down and picked some of the snowdrops the woman had admired earlier, thinking of how lovely they would look in my window, and turned around to go home. The air was cold and I shivered a bit, but my heart and my steps were light.

Nov. 9th, 2014

Cosplay?

A friend just asked me whether Osgood is my secret twin, because we are apparently so alike in looks and ways.

I... guess I know who to cosplay as if I ever take it up?

osgood cosplay

Oct. 1st, 2014

Fic: Fair Trade (4/4)

Title: Fair Trade
Author: saaammie
Characters: Tenth Doctor/Donna
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Rating/Warnings: R for sex and angst.
Wordcount: 508
Status: Complete 4/4
Summary: The Doctor kisses Donna one day after supper. Donna acquiesces.
Author's note: And I'm so sorry for being so disappointing but there's actually no sex. No happy ending, "magic-dick-heals-all". I've rewritten the ending about 5000 times in my mind and I simply cannot get it to end in sex without cheapening the rest of the story and the message I'm trying to get across (however clumsily.)

But this is for dtstrainers anyway, because that woman is somebody special and someone I wish I could know better.


Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

DWDWDW

"Donna, I don't want to forget about it."

She just blinks at him.

“Oh.”

There’s silence for a while longer.

“Why?” she finally asks, a cautious note in her voice, as if she is bracing herself for his answer.

“Not for the reason you think,” he hurries to assure her and then falters slightly. “I mean, I…” He licks his lips. “I liked it very much” and he can feel himself blushing and Donna looks down.


“But it’s more than that. Donna Noble, you’re my best friend. I want to know you and I want to make you happy, the way you make me happy. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry because I seem to be doing it all wrong and I would never ever have done it if I had known you didn’t like it. It was an impulse, I… just wanted to kiss you.”

Donna looks up from the floor and studies him intently.

“You kiss all your companions then?”

“Well… No. I mean it has happened…Once - maybe a little more often than that. But that’s not the point.” He flounders to restore the thread of the conversation.

“ I wanted to kiss you because you’re lovely.  And if you should ever want more, I guess… I mean, I wouldn’t say no but Donna, I want you as my friend more than any of that. I want you to want to be around me, and…” The Doctor swallows. “Not because of obligation or as payment.”

“So you’re not actually interested in me?” Donna looks hurt as she questions him.

“Yes!...- … No! I’m… I can’t explain it properly. I want you in my life, in whatever capacity you want me in it, and if not, then I’ll go. Or you can go, I can take you home. I… just don’t want you to feel you have to do anything. Your company is more than payment enough for anything I could give you. You told me once I needed someone. It’s true. I need someone and I want you.”

Donna’s face is pensive.

“What if I never want to sleep with you?”

“Then we’ll not sleep together. Easy peasy.”

“What if I do?” she says apprehensively.

“Then we’ll try it. Again, I mean.”

Donna takes a deep breath.

“The truth is, Doctor… I don’t know what I want. It’s all jumbled up in my mind, all these expectations and dreams and… things… I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know if I ever will.  And… You can’t make me better, magically. There’s no friendly red button to reset my mind.  God, I wish there was..“

“Donna.” The Doctor slowly moves closer to her, and very slowly cups her cheek in his right hand.
“Do you want to stay? Here? With me?”
Donna closes her eyes and a tear drips down her cheek.
“More than anything.”

“Then you’re welcome. You are always welcome.”

Donna raises one of her hands and cups the Doctor’s cheek, her thumb stroking his cheekbone for a brief second.

“Forever?” She asks in a tremulous voice.

“Forever,” he confirms.

Aug. 4th, 2014

(no subject)

My sister (not my biological one but the daughter of the family I lived with in the US) tried to commit suicide again yesterday. She's in the hospital and OK but yeah.

What to say.

Jul. 1st, 2014

Fair Trade (3/4)

Title: Fair Trade
Author: saaammie
Characters: Tenth Doctor/Donna
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Rating/Warnings: R for sex and angst.
Wordcount: 676
Status: Incomplete 3/4
Summary: The Doctor kisses Donna one day after supper. Donna acquiesces.
Author's note: It's not really finished but I wanted to publish what I had for poor dtstrainers, who has been... I have no words for it. She has been a cheerleader and a beggar and (dare i say it?) a fan and frankly, I get a bit teary-eyed when I think about her words about my writing. I've done the same for other writers but I never imagined that someone would like mine enough to remind me and encourage me to write.  I don't really see myself as a writer at all, really... Or... I write a little, but I don't really have a talent for it, if you see what I mean?

So dear, dear woman, thanks. I hope this helps a little bit, until I can finish this and get to the happy ending and the good sex.

Part 1
Part 2

DWDWDW

They sit in silence. Donna feels weary and a little sick, as if she has done some great feat that has drained her of all energy. Something like lifting a car off a child, or some other nonsense.

The Doctor looks pensive, his expressive brows drawn low over his eyes. He fiddles with a pen left on the table from their last crossword puzzle session, taking off the lid and putting it back over and over again.  He clears his throat a few times, but says nothing.

Donna considers breaking the silence, but she is just so tired, of being the first to speak, of always asking for others’ health, or caring. Of always being the responsible one in every relationship she has always been in. All problems are her fault, always, never the other one’s.

She is weary. Donna just wants to… She can’t even put it into words for herself, that indefinable longing to be understood.

And then the Doctor speaks:

“Penny for your thoughts?”

And the dam breaks, and Donna is talking, words pouring out of her.

“I… It’s… I hate when you don’t do the dishes!” and the Doctor looks at her, baffled. This was obviously not what he expected her to say. He remains quiet however.

“In every relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve always taken care of… Of everything! I’ve done the dishes, the laundry, cleaned, cooked, everything that I’m supposed to do. And I hate it. I loathe it, housework! And I’ve always had to do it all. And I’m tired of it. I don’t want to do it anymore. I just… “

The weariness overwhelms her, and she feels as if the air has turned to custard, making all her movements sluggish.

“I just… It’s always my fault when it ends. I’d get annoyed and start nagging and he would get tired of me.  And I’ve always understood. It’s always made sense. But I can’t help thinking it’s…All of this,” she makes a gesture encompassing the entire room, the entire world. “it’s not fair. Why couldn’t they just do the bloody dishes so I wouldn’t have had to nag? Is that too much too ask?!”

The Doctor looks like he wants to answer, but he doesn’t have time before Donna continues speaking.
“And sometimes… I just wanted to know they cared. To have them remember my mother’s birthday. To not have to… Do all the work. All the caring.”

“I don’t want to be the only one caring,” Donna whispers. “I quit. I give up. I don’t want to manage any more.”

She giggles, suddenly, as an image pops up in her brain.

“I’ll get 17 cats and knit vests for Nerys’ children. “

“Hell, I’ll get a younger lover and use him and leave him. A boytoy.” And she continues to giggle, until the giggles turn into sobs.

The Doctor still says nothing, but his eyes are intent on her, as if he listens with his entire being and will continue to do so until she has said her piece.

“I’m not made for sex, did you know? I think there’s something wrong with me. I’ve never really… Y’know. Not ever. Almost 40, isn’t it pathetic? I’ve never really believed that women and men could be friends and then I met you, and I thought, but then you… “

She heaves a great sigh.

“I know I’m not much to look at, but I guess you didn’t really have that much choice. What’s the saying? Anything with legs and tits?”

Donna’s lips quirk in an ironic smile.

“Don’t worry, I’m not expecting a declaration of eternal devotion. I understand it was nothing. Well, less than nothing, I guess, since I couldn’t even get you off properly. We can just forget about it, move about our day. Let’s just do that., yeah?“  The hopeful note in her voice makes the Doctor’s hearts clench in his chest.

“Donna… “ he tries and has to clear his throat before he can continue. “Donna, I don’t want to forget about it."

DWDWDW
Part 4

This keeps being a feminist treatise. I guess I had to get it out somehow.

Jun. 20th, 2014

Week One done

Maybe I haven't said here, but I'm spending the summer working in Germany for a German firm in order to improve my German (how many times can I use the word German in one sentence?) and I have officially finished my first week.

The work is simple enough but the language? Let's just say that unless I start learning a LOT very quickly, it's going to be a very long summer.

But for now, I have just had some pasta, I have wine and chips and am watching Doctor Who on Netflix, and I have two glorious days of weekend with no obligations but some shopping.

And mayhap a bit of writing.

(no promises)

May. 23rd, 2014

Another post unrelated to fanfiction

WE HAVE A THESIS.

It is turned in, on time, and spell-checked. I don't know how and I don't know how much red bull I've had in the last few days, but the master thesis is finally turned in.

Now: Sleep for a week.

Screen Shot 2014-05-23 at 18

I don't look hideous all the time.

After weeks of misery, unwashed hair,  sweatpants and bushy eyebrows, I needed to remind the world (eh. myself) that I actually look like a lovely human being at times.

Picture's from my undergrad diploma prom last November.


543921_10200887975822715_1759660457_n

May. 14th, 2014

grad school rant #35454

I hate grad school and theses and finals and housing contracts and classmates and program managers.

I just want to move to a far-away place and read fanfiction in peace.

May. 3rd, 2014

Fair Trade (2/4)

Title: Fair Trade
Author: saaammie
Characters: Tenth Doctor/Donna
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Rating/Warnings: R for sex and angst.
Wordcount: 1,057
Status: Incomplete 2/3
Summary: The Doctor kisses Donna one day after supper. Donna acquiesces.
Author's note:  Lord how I have struggled with this chapter. I knew what I wanted to say, but I think I lack the maturity both emotionally and as a writer to express it properly. Many of the thoughts and feelings Donna expresses in this chapter are from stories I have heard from strangers, friends and acquaintances about their relationships with perfectly normal, non-abusive men. In a way, it is my way to rebel against many of the patriarchal structures that makes heteronormative relationship very difficult. That is not to say that all relationship are like this, or all men. Donna has had bad experiences, and she's someone who puts a very low value on herself, which makes her more likely to end up in relationships were she's taken advantage of. But she's also part of a societal structure that expects men and women to behave a certain way, and that hurts both genders.

/end feminist lecture.

I also realized I couldn't possibly finish this in 2 parts, and I do want to have a happy ending after all. So one more part to go after this!

Part 1
Part 3
Part 4

DWDWDW

The Doctor kisses Donna one day after supper and she supposes she should have expected it.

Donna doesn’t exactly dislike sex, she guesses it’s nice enough at times to be so close to another person, but she hardly thinks it’s anything to write entire novels about. She wonders sometimes whether she’s simply wired wrong, and that’s why she’s never (and she’s embarrassed to admit it, even to herself) managed to come with a bloke.

She breaks the kiss, and looks up at the Doctor and sees the eager expectation in his eyes. She could never disappoint him, not when he looks at her like he’s been given an unexpected gift (or a banana cream pie) so she leans up towards him to kiss him back. It goes on for far longer than she’s expected, and a warm feeling of arousal is spreading through her body. She thinks it’s nice of him to spend so much time on just kissing. Most blokes she’s known have been eager to get down to the main event, and not wasted any time on making out.. And Donna thought the Doctor wasn’t like all the other blokes, but it seems men are men everywhere, no matter if they’re not human. The thought rolls in her stomach, a grey cloud of disappointment.

Fine, she thinks.  Fine, if sex is what he wants, sex is what he’ll get. But she’ll not stand around her like some lovesick little chit. She pulls away from the Doctor, and proceeds to undress him. His gasp when she strokes him is gratifying. Not so powerful now, Spaceman!

It doesn’t last long, her feeling of triumph. As if he’s heard her, the Doctor swivels, putting Donna with her back against the kitchen counter, and the Doctor’s hands roaming her body.  He touches her slowly and carefully, over her big hips and pouting stomach, and if that weren’t completely ludicrous she’d say he looks almost reverent.

Silly Donna.

She determines to just get this whole thing over with, and then pretend it never happened and if he wants to do it again, she’ll deal with it. She’s had plenty of boyfriends with a higher libido than hers, so she’s no stranger to sex for the sake of domestic harmony.  The nagging was always more annoying than actual act anyway, even if she wasn’t always up for it, and she’s somewhat on an expert on getting it done quickly.

As far as these things go, it feels rather nice when the Doctor pushes inside her.  It’s been a while, and the stretch is a little more than she would have liked, but his limbs are cool against her heated body, and the muscles firm beneath his skin. He really is quite an attractive man (for an alien, of course!).

And then his mouth starts searching for hers and it’s just too much all of a sudden; the Doctor’s body on top of hers, the way he supports his forehead on her shoulder… The tender way he kissed her earlier, and Donna almost wants him to quick and rough, instead of this… pretense of devotion he’s putting up now. She knows what he wants, he knows it, they’re both adults and there’s no point in hiding it behind pretty lies. Those are for little girls and pretty young (blonde) things who deserve them, not old women like her. No, they’re just for practice, she thinks bitterly, echoing her mother’s words.
And suddenly the Doctor is pulling away from her, looking fearful and shocked and confused. Crying, he asks her, why are you crying, and Donna touches her cheek and realizes he’s right. She is crying and she’s not even sure why.

But she knows she wouldn’t give up traveling with the Doctor for anything. Seeing the stars and different universes and all these amazing, wonderful things, she’d do this and much more besides, and surely he’s making far too big a deal out of this. She remembers Tommy, her flame back in uni, who’d looked at her while she sat on the floor crying for hours after her gran died, and thought sex would be a great way to cheer her up. She clung to him desperately afterwards, trying to make him hold her, and comfort her, just for a little while.

She’s sitting at the kitchen table again, cup of tea in her hand. The Doctor must have led her there while she was lost in her thoughts. Donna’s mouth curves downward in a sneer. She guesses a weeping female was not how the Doctor had pictured that this night would end and she blushes with shame.

Staring into her teacup, she mutters: “I’m sorry.  Look, let’s just forget about the whole thing, yeah?”

She’s met with silence.

“Or…” Donna swallows a lump in her throat. “We could try again,” and she hopes he’ll say no.

The Doctor starts so violently she can see it even though she’s not looking directly at him.

“No,” he grinds out between clenched teeth and even though she wasn’t actually keen on another round, the insult still grates at Donna and she’s suddenly terrified that he’s mad, that she’s messed it all up and that he’ll make her go home, go back and be stupid old Donna and no, she won’t. He started this, she thinks, anger bursting forth hot and fiery inside her.

It fades just as quickly as it came when the Doctor moves, quick as a whistle, taking her hand in his. He stands with his head bowed, as if he doesn’t dare to look at her.

“Donna… What do you think I am? A rapist?” and for once he doesn’t babble or stutter.

It’s Donna’s turn to startle.

“What?! No! Why would you even say that? You’re the most wond....” and she breaks off, embarrassed.

“Why then?” the Doctor asks, confusion lacing his voice. “Why would you think I would want to… continue when you were crying.” He sounds disgusted, and Donna realizes he’s disgusted with himself, not with her..

“I don’t care. It was fine, I would’ve been fine. You didn’t hurt me or anything.”
“But Donna, you didn’t like it,” the Doctor says, and sounds all of his nine hundred odd years.

“It’s just…Doctor, it’s never really mattered much before. Whether I enjoyed it or not.”

DWDWDW

Part 3

Please, please let me know what you think!

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